Thursday, April 12, 2012

What's my Deal?...

Well, that's a stupid question, really.  My face hurts.  It's not 'screaming' this morning, though it did all day yesterday and until late into the night.  But I have the residual pain that makes me think it may happen at any time.  And it makes my head foggy - it's not the meds as I'm taking the same as always - it's actually the TN stuff I think.  Also, even as I type this, my fingers are 'numb'.  On top of all this, I really want to make something but a) don't feel like sitting up; b) my fingers aren't working as they should at all; c) I'm actually a bit overwhelmed with all the ideas in my head; d) I'm actually underwhelmed by my serious lack of product - everything from adhesive to new papers to ink; and, e) what's my deal?

So, because I can't scrap, lets talk about the RV a little bit, shall we? A little background:  I worked for 34 years until Christmas 2008 when I was laid off (I later learned that I was chosen because I had bouts of being overly emotional - a symptom of my MS as well as the Manic Depression).  Because of the stress of the lay-off, my MS became worse to the point that I don't know from day-to-day what I will wake up to:  is it going to be a good day where I can actually function almost normally, or am I going to be irrational or in bed for months?!  After about a year, I realized that there would be no way for me to hold down a job - not even online if there was a deadline or requirement of availability.  I applied for Social Security Disability (after all, I've been paying for over 30 years!).  My unemployment ran out last year and I became destitute shortly after.  At that time I moved from a 4-bdr home that I shared with my daughter and grandkids to this little travel-trailer behind a small mobile home they live in which is owned by my mom.  I now live, at age 50, with help from my elderly & disabled parents to pay what medical bills I incur as well as day-to-day expenses. Did I tell you I worked 30+ years and that it has now been almost 2 years since I applied for my Disability?   Can you imagine that never in my wildest nightmare could I ever conceive of living like this?  Is there a doubt as to the depths of my depression and lack of self-esteem?  Well, it is what it is.
The house we moved from not only had 4 bedrooms, but I had a master suite with a walk-in closet and a wall-to-wall closet.  We had a great room with dining area as well as a large kitchen and breakfast nook that was used as my craft room/office. (It should be noted that I have had a craft room in my past 3 houses thus accumulating lots of stuff.)  There was a screened in porch that went all the way across the back of the house accessed by sliding glass doors in every room on that side of the house. with plenty of natural light.  The other 3 bedrooms were all of good size especially for the kids to have friends over.  Also, it was in a great neighborhood with amenities.  None of that holds true anymore.

Back to the RV - well actually it's a travel-trailer, but RV is so much easier to say.  I like the privacy of the RV;  I can lock everyone out and I feel safer than ever (you know, I do have paranoia issues).  But every house that I have lived in the past 20 years, it has been mainly my house... my decor, my space, my rules; however, the RV, while still under my rules, does away with my space and my decor.  RVs have their own decor put in by the factory and changing that decor requires an entire overhaul that I'm just not able to undertake.  Also, there is no wall space; thus, all my photos and art are in storage somewhere (a whole other issue).  The RV came with two "bedrooms" - one fits a queen size mattress (that's all it fits) and the other had 2 sets of bunkbeds separated by a 30" closet.  Well, bless my sweet brother's heart, he tore out the bunkbeds and closet for me leaving me a 6x6 space.  I have created a walk-in closet separated into 2 purposes:  there is wall to wall clothing on one side; the other side is my craft/office storage taken up by L-shaped shelves on the wall with my file cabinet & plastic drawers under the longest part and a bookcase & paper storage on the shorter side.  {Let me reiterate here - I went from a house with craft room/office, walk-in closet, and wall-to-wall closet to this 6x6 storage space.  It's almost impossible to comprehend.}
When I first moved in, I decorated the place as best I could to resemble my real house.  That included a desk in my closet because I really like being surrounded by my supplies.  But, as I am extremely claustrophobic and there was no way to run a TV into the space, I couldn't stand it - the desk was removed and replaced with my lateral files and the bookcase that sits practically covered in the corner.  With no desk and scrap room, regardless of the fact that most of my product was accessible, scrapping took a back burner for a long while.  I would do little projects spread out on my sofa or floor.  And then I realized that as unhappy as I was living in my RV - most of my stuff in storage, destitute, feeling horrible, family ailing, kids upset - I needed to do something that would give me a little peace of mind.  And of course that something was scrapbooking (incredibly, I have found this is only something other scrappers understand!).   So I started moving stuff out of my closet into my living area.  Shelves that once held Disney globes, now hold jars of flowers and buttons and ribbons.  The seats in my eating area are now covered in sticker albums or baskets of stamps and adhesives I'm currently using.  My table is chock full of spinner storage for tools & pens; two tiered baskets of brads and ribbons; little storage shelf of most often used punches, rubons and inkpads; paper cutter; sewing machine; cutting mat; little trays of whatnots; etc.  I have a rolling cart (that I made from a wire shelf unit) that stands next to my table and houses my PC and printers; my spritz "tray"; my genealogy files; and albums I'm currently working on.  So these are my crafty spaces:

While most of this is craft and office supplies, the boxes on the 2nd shelf in the top left photo are all the photos I've been working on the past several months (these are but a few of the photos that we have, the rest are at mom's).  The bins and photo boxes on the bottom shelf of that photo are stamps.  Supplies on the top shelf are all office/school supply related.  The middle top photo shows: top shelf = albums; middle shelf = xyron, sewing, card making, various craft supplies; bottom shelf = cutting & punches.  Middle row:  left pic shows bookcase with inspiration books/mags, excess ribbons & fibers, scrap basket, craft & stamping supplies, & office supplies; middle pic shows paints, brads & embellishments, ribbons; right pic shows paper separated by theme and/or manufacturer & boxes are theme related products i.e., fancy, heritage, christmas as well as a chipboard/metal letters.  Bottom row shows the aspects of where I actually get stuff done.  I'm trying to figure out how I can make it so I can get my office chair in here as sitting in that booth for any time is virtually impossible on my body.  And it seems that no how many times I rearrange everything, it just never seems to work well.  But maybe, someday I'll change it and when it's done it will be perfect!!
Dealing with the RV is an ongoing process.  It's small. It's so small. (My mom can't stand to even sit on the sofa for an hour because she feels so closed in, and she's not even claustrophobic.)  I constantly change what I can in the place where I sleep - changing the color scheme and little arrangements on what wall there is.  I move around the stuff on my CD shelves and the footlocker that serves as a coffeetable.  I have more than my share of books (some of which I put in with the kids books in their mobile home), most are stored in every nook and cranny of the RV so they're not getting ruined in storage.  It's not insulated very well so it's colder than outside on those days (I use a portable heater) and hotter on those days (even with the air-conditioner).
Then there are some things that aren't just annoying, but I absolutely hate. Even though I am hooked into the septic system so there's nothing gross there, I hate having to empty the tank every few days.  I have no hot water because I'm fire paranoid and I hate the huge noisy flame that is required to heat the waterheater so have to shower at the kid's or mom's.  Because it's so small, I hate having the door shut but hate the dustiness that comes of it being open just as much.  I hate that bugs can come in so easily and I watch for them all the time.  I hate that smells stay locked in and am constantly burning candles and using up plug-ins.  I hate that I can't make the bed properly.  I hate that the sinks are soooo small for washing dishes or even brushing my teeth. I hate that there's no good place to put my recycle bins.  I really hate that I have to take my laundry out - I haven't done that in 30 years.  And I absolutely hate that it's one more thing to worry about - that I worry more about fire, hurricanes, storms, etc. because I know that there's little hope of saving anything if something goes wrong.
And there's a few things I love.  I love being able to do what I want when I want. I love that  scrapbooking until the wee hours is perfectly fine.  I love that if I want to read, I can read all night long and sleep all day and no one knows the difference.  I love that I can watch whatever I want on TV whenever I want to and it can stay on all night long.  I love that I can go outside at night if I want to (mostly, not, but can).  I love that I don't have to do anything I don't feel like - washing dishes, making bed, changing out of my pjs.  I love that my stuff is locked up and I don't have to worry about someone borrowing something without my knowledge or reading my private ramblings.  And I absolutely love that I can look out my window upon the 10'x20' wooded area and see 20 different kinds of birds and the occassional white squirrel.
So that's life in my current little spot in the world.  It is what it is.  At least I have a place to sit on my sofa, watch Once Upon A Time, do some scrapbooking & cardmaking, listen to the birds sing & rustle in the leaves, and see my babies everyday.  And that's not so bad.


"It's amazing to think that the patterns of love run very similar to that of insanity."  - The Matrix

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