Monday, April 30, 2012

The Good, The Bad and Thank God for Loreal...

I know not many people will have noticed, but I've been gone.  After a few horrid days in the RV (that I definitely won't get into), I came to stay with my mom for a while.  Her home is so bright and cheerful, just being here helps.  And let's face it, when you feel terrible, it's great to be with mom - even at 50.  Of course, my mom is not well either and the added burden of caring for my dad is utterly overwhelming on most days.  But at least she doesn't feel the need to take care of me and I do try to help out if I can.  We both just so appreciate the company and she says that it helps just my being here.... I hope so, as I am practically useless except as companion and co-conspirator. 

Of course, just because I've been gone doesn't mean my mind hasn't been at work (my mind reminds me so of a pinball - chaotic but constantly moving).  I thought about making several entries to cover these thoughts, but now that my mind is utterly blank, I think I'll just go with the flow by giving each little thought it's own subtitle. Hmmm.

Scrapbooking is Hard Work...

I know I've said it before, but it just awes me when people think that our passion is just a trivial pursuit.  Little do they know!!!  It's expensive, as we can all attest.  It's important, as a memory keeping and creative outlet.  It's challenging, making those decisions regarding every aspect of each layout. And it can be painful.  Let's face it, most scrapbooking is done hunched over, whether when sitting or standing.  My table is slightly too high so my arms sit almost parallel to my shoulders.  If my chair is properly lifted, I still have to hunch for placement.  Standing is best for perspective, but hunched again.  Maybe hunched isn't the best word, we look down constantly, sometimes for hours and hours.  The only answer is constant movement, sit/stand sit/stand sit/stand - table/counter table/counter table/counter.  What is the best position for scrapping?  Leave me a comment!!

Let me make one other scrapbooking reference that I feel is really worth mentioning.  I really believe that scrapbookers are some of the easiest pleasing people in the world.  There is nothing I love more than to receive supplies or gift cards.  And then there is the sheer ecstasy we feel when we find something we love.  For instance, the other day, my mom and I were wasting time awaiting Gigi's visit with her other grandma.  So we went browsing at Michaels. Lo and Behold!!! I found the Therm0Web Sticky Dots 8.5 x 11 sheets!!!! You know the one that says for diecuts but actually can be used on every embellishment imaginable (love it for ribbon!)!!! I have sent people on expeditions from Pensacola to Tampa looking for this fave!  I was so excited I actually danced a little diddy right there in the aisle.  An employee (I didn't know she saw!) came up to me and just checked out what I had in my hand.  She then says to me, "You know, scrapbookers get so excited.  You can actually hear them ooh and aah while talking on the phone.  Look at you, you just got glue stuff and you're dancing."  I thought that was so funny.  Yes, I guess we do.  Mom says I don't get so excited when I buy shoes; and boy, do I love shoes.

Oh Where, Oh Where Did My OCD Go...

Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a land over the bridge, I was fairly OCD.  Not just the everything in its place kind either.  The hangers in my closet had to match the colors of my bedroom.  That not being enough, they had to be in order blue, green, blue, green, blue, green, etc. as did the plates, bowls, etc. in my kitchen cupboards.  And I brushed my teeth at least 12-25 times a day - to the point where my previously cavityless (?) teeth began to crumble.  However, things were fairly organized - at least to the point where if there was anything I needed it was either here, or here or there - usually it was here.  Granted, there was another part of my life in total chaos beyond my control, but the OCD was definitely a part of my life.  It's not anymore.
At first, I believe it was because that other part of my life finally fell apart that the OCD let go of it's grip.  Strange that the happiest point in my life caused such a strange side effect and that the devastating loss of that happiness caused the 'OCD extreme' to abate.  But I was still "anal" - everything had a place, things were organized, I had order!  Later on, I started to have spells of severe depression during which times the order took a serious backseat.  As my daughter and grandchildren started taking over the house and I was unable to constantly pick up after them or stay on their cases, the order quickly became only a glint.  Then, I moved into the RV.
I still suffer from the OCD part of me that organizes and reorganizes and reorganizes.  Unfortunately, that is the only part that I suffer from.  I wrote previously about looking for my prized possessions for hours one night while scrapbooking during the pretty paper.true stories. weekend.  Well, it only gets worse.  Two days later, I went on a similar journey looking for screen protectors for my phone that were in the dish on my coffee table, then my bookmark GiGi made, the key to my storage unit, the refill for my tape runner, my black Sharpie I always keep in my bag, my antique bird cameo, my favorite ring I wore the other day, my cigarette lighter I had a moment ago.  It's horrible to lose your mind, but I seriously feel that if I could only recapture a little part of my OCD I would get by.   Who could ever know that mental illness can be a blessing??!!

RVs Make You Old...

There are only a few things I don't like about staying with my parents.  Of course, one is that all my stuff is in the RV (not that I feel like doing anything much yet, but I do hate being away from my stuff).  The other is the wonderful light and accessibility to mirrors.  Yep, as much as I complain about the light in the RV, the fact that my mom's house is so utterly light and airy is just about more than I can stand.  You're wondering what the hell, right?  Well, obviously it's because I can look in the mirror and see myself.  Actually see myself.  I'll admit it, my mom and I are vain women.  We are not thin women, we are not particularly attractive women.  But we have always been young-looking women.  It is purely genetics; but it is something that we have always been proud of - and who wouldn't be?  Who wouldn't love to be thought of as your grandchild's parent?  Who wouldn't love to be carded in your 40s? Who wouldn't love that everyone thinks your husband, who is 7 years younger than you, is much older than you?  Who wouldn't love to hear that you look 10 or more years younger than you are? 
We have had the discussion over the past several months how we much we have "aged" in the past 18 months.  Well, we have had a hard few years.  My dad had his 2nd stroke in Jun 2010, my mom had her first heart stent in Oct 2010, my dad had a heart stent in Dec 2010, he broke his hip in Jan 2011, my mom's 2nd stent in Mar 2011, the prognosis of my dad's constant TIAs and peripheral neuropathy (making every step precarious), my dad's deafness and unwillingness to wear his hearing aids, as well as my dad's mental state which is a whole other story in itself (he is very lucid) and my mom's Type 1 Diabetes being out of whack and causing her progressive dementia.  During this time, I became increasingly disabled, I lost my unemployment and have had no income for 18 months while awaiting the Sec Soc Dis hearing.  Also, my daughter has been progressively worse - the lupus causing her Stage 2 kidney disease, with breast cancer and cervical cancer scares - as well as peripheral issues that come with dealing with all that pain from the RA, Lupus and Fibromyalgia.  In the midst of the medical stuff, we have had ongoing issues with each of my grandchildren's fathers - legal & emotional.  In Oct-Nov 2010, my daughter, kids and I moved from our home to our current domicile which has been a very hard transition on all of us, especially the kids.    And I have the subconscious and conscious debate every. single. day. about whether I should be in the RV for the kids or should I move in with my parents to help them.  It's been a rough time for us all.
Now, you may be saying, "Damn, the medical and monetary issues are enough! And surely all that stress has put lines on your faces!"  But I beg to differ!!!!  (Well I'm sure it's my dad making my mom that way, okay!) But I believe it's the RV doing it to me!  It's not the wrinkles making me look old, it's the jowls and the constant "frown" on my face.  It's the fact that the little pouch under my chin now looks like a turkey thingy - that's what I'm talking about!  It's the RV doing this to me.  You see, my RV is dusty - I bet a pound of dust gets into my RV every day and I am constantly dusting & sweeping.  Well, the dust makes you thirsty.  Not just any old beach thirsty either.  It makes you CocaCola thirsty.  And you can't find anything (obviously!).  So I spend an inordinate amount of time sucking CocaCola while looking for things.  And because I'm so paranoid about fire, I don't cook.  I eat yogurt and nuts and granola bars mainly (not because they're healthy but just because I like the way they taste:  I should weigh about 100 lbs!).  So it's not that I've gained weight while I've laid up on my ass in the RV, but I'm definitely not 100lbs either because CocaCola just doesn't love you like that (but I dare say that if I didn't have MS and laid up like this, I would weigh more - because MS just makes you work out weather you consciously move an inch or not).  No it's definitely the RV that's doing it to me.  The RV with it's CocaCola and the stress of not being able to find a damn thing.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
In an effort to make me feel like I look better, I colored my hair today (aha, that's where Loreal comes in) because I have been naturally gray since I was 20 yrs old (and colored my hair that long too).  I had to get that nasty color I did last time - and hated - out and try to get it back to my senior pictures (bwahahahahah).  I'm going to get it cut on Thursday (I've had long hair most of my life and decided 3 days ago while looking in the mirror that I absolutely hate it and will never have it again!).  Then, I'll feel pretty again - especially as long as I stay away from mirrors.  And isnt that what pretty is all about - not what's in the mirror but what we feel might be in the mirror?!!

And the Really Good...

I met with my attorney this past Thursday.  We went over every thing for the hearing in June.  She reassured me over and over that there is nothing to worry about.  So I won't.  I have a prediction of Echo Park paper in my future.  And that is very good news.

So I haven't created doodly-squat lately.  Today is the first time in over a week that I have gotten on the internet!  But GiGi just sent me a lovely picture she took this afternoon in her bedroom - with specific instructions that if I like it, I should scrap it.  I do like it, I do like it very much. 

Now go on, find that photo you like very much.  And scrap it for no other reason than that you can.


"A woman whose smile is open and whose expression is glad has a kind of beauty no matter what..."  -  Anne Roiphe 

1 comment:

  1. I just checked your blog yesterday, just in case it hadn't updated on my blog roll. See? YOU WERE MISSED!! =D I'm glad you're still here. But I'm so sorry all this has crashed down on you. I don't have any magic words to help, so as always, I'm sending more hugs your way...