I Am Truly Sorry...

that I haven't wished you a Happy Christmas or Happy New Year... that I haven't even said whether or not I was alive.  It's been so long and so wrong.  You see, I didn't just lose my mojo, I lost my way.  So many things changed so suddenly that I was completely overwhelmed is the only way I know to explain it.  And so my happy place became an abandoned place that merely was another area in this house to hold clutter.

It should be noted that along with my MS, I am a manic depressive - an untreated depressive.  I found a long time ago that scrapbooking became a source of therapy for me... the act of submersing myself in the craft kept me from becoming submersed in despair.  And believe me, stress exacerbates not only the MS but the depression as well.  So, the unending chaos as well as the dependence on me as the healthiest adult in the family has been extremely stressful, i.e., both the MS and the depression have kicked in.  It seems that I call upon unrealized resources within myself to do everything from spending 12 hours in the ER with my daughter to taking mom & dad to doctor appointments an hour away to picking up the grandkids from school who are sick or have missed the bus.  And then I retreat to bed until the next need arises.

Oh don't get me wrong, I have had some good days - Friday night football games & shopping trips with the kids.  But not only have I only completed 3 layouts since September, but all the craziness culminated into a Christmas that almost wasn't.  I mean Santa was coming, but even a week before Christmas there was no tree.  There were never cookies baked, no traditional sausage balls for Christmas morning, no Secret Santa... not even a Christmas dinner.  I feel terrible about all of this because I feel like I cheated my family- but my Christmas Spirit was totally not home this year.  And even though my mom has thanked me several times for pulling Christmas together, I vow there will never again be another Christmas like this... the stress and depression beget more stress and depression.

So dear blonds, I am trying to come back.  Unfortunately it feels kind of like trying to come up from the bottom of a black lake.  I not only have mental and physical adversity to overcome, I have material ones as well:  the charger for my laptop went out at some point (using GiGi's now), I still need new glasses (using mom's now) and I have no data on my phone to read email (trying to figure that out now).  But I do have determination.  I've never been shy about saying how I feel except when it is actually something for myself - I'm going to rectify that and just say that I have to have some time.  Today I started trying to catch up on months and months of blogs starting with Shimelle; and not only am I so happy about her glad news, I am delighted that she has classes that I can take in the near future.  I'm going to try to get through about 40 Glitter Girl videos and place my first supply order since August.  And soon I will be reading your blogs as well.  All of this is bound to rekindle at least a flicker of light and help me find my path.

I hope that you will stick around a while longer.  I hope you have been productive and crafty.  And I sincerely hope that each of you is well and had the happiest holidays.

Stay Safe and Scrap On!

"Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time." - Thomas Merton